How Do I Handle an Absent Co-Parent?

Every good parent wonders how a divorce or break-up will affect their children. The good news is that most studies show that after a brief adjustment period, children of divorced parents do just as well as kids from two-parent homes. The key is having two loving parents consistently involved in the child’s life.

But what happens when one parent cannot or will not see their child? And what can you do about it?

This article discusses a few options for dealing with an absent co-parent. While this information can help you, custody and visitation are very complex areas of family law. Visit a custody attorney near you to discuss your legal options.

What Is an Absent Co-Parent?

Technically, “absent parent” describes any parent who doesn’t live with their child. More specifically, an absent parent is unwilling or unable to spend time with their child consistently.

If your co-parent starts missing visits, keep records. Keep a log of the dates and times of all missed visits and phone calls. You should also save texts, emails, voicemails, or other communications about missed visits. This evidence can be helpful if you have to go to court.

What Are My Legal Options for Dealing with an Absent Co-Parent?

Generally, you have four legal options available when dealing with an absent co-parent. Carefully consider the facts of your situation before settling on the best course of action:

Option #1: Talk to Your Co-parent

If you and your ex have a solid relationship, you can begin with a conversation. Remind your ex about your parenting plan. Tell them how much their absence hurts your child’s feelings. Hopefully, they will get the message and become a more active parent.

Option #2: Have Your Lawyer Write a Letter

If your ex refuses to visit your children, you can ask your attorney to send them a letter. This formal letter should remind your ex of their parental responsibilities under the custody order or parenting plan.

Option #3: Go to Mediation

In mediation, two people ask a neutral person to help resolve a dispute. Mediation can help co-parents who are at odds come to a workable agreement. Many states or counties provide free or low-cost mediation services for child custody issues.

Option #4: Return to Family Court

If you have a custody agreement approved by the court and set out a specific visitation schedule, your ex’s failure to comply violates the court order. In that case, you can file a motion for contempt. At the hearing, you can show the court the records that show how your ex is missing visits. Your ex will have a chance to explain their side.

If the court finds that your ex has no good reason for ignoring the order, they will be found in contempt. Penalties for contempt vary, but the court may order your ex to:

• Pay a fine
• Pay your attorney’s fees
• Take parenting classes
• Pay for therapy for your children
• Pay you every time they miss a visit
• Attend (and pay for) mediation with you

You can also ask the family court to modify your custody order. Courts modify child custody orders when there is evidence of a substantial change in circumstances. After you present evidence of missed visits to the court, the judge could modify the visitation order by reducing parenting time, requiring your co-parent to give you notice before missing a visit, or taking other actions that the judge believes are in the child’s best interests.

How Can You Help Your Children Deal With an Absent Parent?

Children need stability. So when a parent doesn’t show up, children can feel sad, neglected, angry, and abandoned. But there are ways to handle it. First, talk to your children about their feelings. This will let you know how you can support them.

Second, don’t badmouth your ex to your kids. It might be tempting, but it won’t help. Say that the schedule changed unexpectedly and that a new visit will happen when possible.

Third, remind your children that missed visits are not their fault. Reassure your children that their other parent loves them. Young children may be more open to this message than older children, but it still needs to be said.

Finally, if you see that the missed visits are causing your children to struggle emotionally, a skilled child therapist can help them find a healthy way to work through their feelings. (A therapist can also be a valuable part of your support system when raising children as a single parent.)

What Can I Do if an Absent Parent Returns?

Sometimes, an absent parent will return after a long absence. If this happens, you’ll need a new custody order. For instance, if the current court order doesn’t give your ex any parenting time, you’ll need to speak to your ex — and an attorney — to develop a new parenting plan.

The new plan should address issues such as how often and where your ex will see your child. If you are worried about domestic violence, substance abuse, or other safety issues, you might ask for supervised visits.

While your ex’s return is good for your child in the long run, reunification presents its own issues. A mental health professional can help your child adjust.

Get Legal Help for Dealing with an Absent Parent

Family law is complicated. If you need help dealing with child custody, child support, or other family law issues, use LawInfo to find a custody attorney near you.